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Board: TheaterDionysos
Topic: THE JUDGMENT OF PARIS: an original satyr-play

Topic Editor: Xenophanes Orestes
Topic Description: ...

Message: SCENE FOUR: "One Hot Number"
Author: Kiya I., Thespis A. & - Myrrhia Aristocratos
Date: Feb 26, 1999 15:43

[The apple reappears in Paris' hand]

PARIS:
[Sigh] You have a point there, fellas. I haven't yet found out who the "Hottest Babe in the Heavens" is, but Hesiod and Semonides are starting to make a lot more sense.
Their tempers seem to be the "hottest" thing about these Goddesses!
I'm really starting to think that this wasn't a good idea at all.

CHORUS:
Don't give up, Paris, we smell sweet perfume,
Aphrodite will surely chase away the gloom!
Goddess of Pleasure and arouser of Lust,
Show us in which voting tool to trust,
Paris has a very hard decision to make
Come and inspire him, for pity's sake!

[Aphrodite silently descends behind Paris, the mechane returns to the heavens]

PARIS:
Well, I wouldn't get my hopes up too high guys, it's going to take a lot to shake the picture of all those manacled babes that Athena...
[sniffs the air]
Hey, I think I smell it too. Wow, if I could put that scent in an alabastron,
[turns to face Aphrodite]
I'd be one rich ... Oh Wow ... I mean, hello, you must be Aphrodite, and I cannot tell you how pleasure... uh... pleased I am to make your acquaintance.

APHRODITE:
I am pleased to make your acquaintance as well, Paris. Are you suitably prepared to hear my case? I have a lot to offer in the position.

PARIS:
Oh boy, You make your case quite amply, Goddess. But before you continue, here are my terms.

CHORUS:
[blurting out]
He wants a dame!

PARIS:
[gritting his teeth]
Thanks guys...Actually, I have a very specific female in mind. [Offers her his arm] Why don't we sit down over here and discuss the arrangements?

APHRODITE:
[a low, husky sound]
Hmmmmn.
[places her hand lightly on his arm]
Tell me a bit about her and we'll see what can be done.

PARIS:
[They cross downstage, the satyrs fall in behind and strain to hear. Paris looks at Aphrodite to make his description]
I would be glad to. She has skin more rich than fresh cream.
[He spreads his cloak out on the ground for Aphrodite to sit on]
A form that makes men sigh.
[Aphrodite lowers her peplum (cloak) from her shoulders to sit down]

CHORUS:
[Sighing]
AAAAhhhhhhhhhh.

PARIS:
[Sitting slightly in front and to stage right of her]
And the clearest eyes that ever graced a man with their gaze.

APHRODITE:
I know just the girl you mean. In fact, it can be no other. I think we can arrive at a mutually beneficial arrangement.

PARIS:
We can? Why those are the sweetest words that have ever passed the lips of a Goddess!
[He pushes her back and plants a kiss on her lips]

APHRODITE:
HHmmph!
[There is a clap of thunder heard overhead as she pushes him back.]
What are you doing? How DARE you?!

PARIS:
But you said...Oh I get it, you want flowers and poems, like other girls. I thought the Goddess of Lust wouldn't mind doing away with all that. I would prefer to just get right down to business, if it's all the same to you.

CHORUS:
Paris! (While we applaud the action)
She's a Goddess! You're a Man,
Hubris holds no great attraction.
Zeus' thunder holds a warning
That you had better heed,
Or, for your present line of thought,
There will be no pressing need!

APHRODITE:
I would listen to your satyr friends. Fortunately, it was Zeus and not my husband Hephaistos that saw you, because he is rather more forgiving of such transgressions. I am a married Goddess, you know. But Zeus or no Zeus, Shepherd Boy, try anything like that again and I'll take the bend out of your crook permanently.

CHORUS:
[Aside]
Yikes, it ain't just the virgins who are touchy!

APHRODITE:
Why would you risk insulting a Goddess?

PARIS:
I don't see how rendering me inoperative would result in our "mutually beneficial arrangement". I mean, I know I'm not Ares or anythingŠ

APHRODITE:
You thought I meant ... Me and you!
[She laughs, the Chorus joins in]

PARIS:
What's so funny?

APHRODITE:
[Wiping tears from the corners of her eyes]
Oh my dear boy, I'll let you live because I haven't laughed that hard in a while. Not Ares indeed! I was referring to Helen of Sparta; she is the only mortal that comes close to your description.

PARIS:
But I haven't even met her! I thought that we were ...

APHRODITE:
No, we definitely are not , and your time is almost up. What must I do to convince you that Helen is the choice for you?

PARIS:
Now that I have cast eyes on you, my Goddess, no other could possibly take your place. I must protest that I could never feel this way about another...

APHRODITE:
[Underscoring Paris' words]
This always happens with mortal men! It's going to be hard to respect myself in the morning, but it looks like I'm going to have to resort to a Larry Flynt.

PARIS:
[Eyes widen and jaw drops]
Who is this girl taking a bath in my mind? She is ...well... HOT!
(I'd give her the apple to get what she's got!)

CHORUS:
We see her too!

APHRODITE:
Whoops (a wider frequency than intended).
[to Paris]
If losing the other perks concerns you, no matter what the other gals offered, with Helen, you can have it all. She is a Queen, and Sparta is her dowry. You have to admit she has certain other... advantages that are beyond compare, in mortals.

PARIS and CHORUS:
[still reacting to their vision]
Whoa!
I never knew.

PARIS:
You see her too?

CHORUS:
We certainly do!

PARIS:
Well stop it this instant. She's to be my prize not yours!
Close your eyes, you pigs!
[Punches the coryphaeus in the shoulder]

CHORUS:
Hey! We were only looking, don't be such a dip.

PARIS:
The next guy to open their eyes gets a fat lip!
[They start to brawl]

APHRODITE:
[Aside]
Sigh. This always happens with mortal men, too.
[Snaps her fingers]
Okay, show's over, and your time is up.
[Extends her hand with a knowing smile]
Do we have a deal, sweet Prince?

PARIS:
Huh... Where did she go? How can I get her back?

CORYPHAEUS:
Ouch! I think both of my eyes are gonna be black!

APHRODITE:
Give me the apple, Paris, and she'll return in a crack.
(this girl will give you a new definition to "sack").
May we stop rhyming? I fear I lack the proper knack!

PARIS:
[Suspiciously]
How can I be sure that you'll keep your end of the bargain if I give you the apple now?

APHRODITE:
[Withdraws her hand momentarily]
I can't zap her in now, it's in the rules,
[cryptically]
(and that Owl watches like a hawk, if you get my drift). But if you declare me the victor, I guarantee you she will be everything I said she would. What are you waiting for, Paris, put your trust Love!
[Extends her hand again]

CHORUS:
Trust, hardly... Lust, absolutely!

PARIS:
[Eyes the Chorus disapprovingly, they shrug as if to say "What?"]
Here is your apple, Aphrodite, I have decided that you are "the Hottest Babe in the Heavens".

[He hands her the apple and the mechane descends, made up like Botticelli's shell]

CHORUS:
Goddess of Love,
Your Chariot awaits,
We wish you a good journey,
Up to those pearly gates.

[Aphrodite steps on to her shell]

APHRODITE:
Oh, what the Hades,
I feel like a song!
[In a Vegas style]

Moments like this should be savoured,
Thanks to you all, I am favoured.
As the Goddess of Lust,
You all really must,
Lo-o-o-ove Me.

What about it Dah-lings?

CHORUS:
With your verve and clout,
How could you doubt,
That we were always
Right behind you?
We adore and venerate,
Let this fact penetrate:

Aphrodite you're the
Apple of our eyes.

APHRODITE:
I'm so glad I'm the
Apple of your eyes.

But amidst our jubilation,
I must show appreciation
For the divine creation
Who drives men to
Think of fornication:

To Helen, you're the
Apple of my Eye!

[A champagne glass appears in her hand]

Well, it has been a blast, but if I'm going to be able to rub my victory in before the wedding celebration breaks up, I'm going to have to go now.
[Aside]
Soon the other dames will be too sauced to appreciate it.

Oh and Paris, worry not. Helen will be here like a shot out of the blue. And as for the rest of you...
[Winks at the Satyrs]
Say "Hello" to Dionysos for me, next time you see him. I'm afraid I'll be to busy gloating to pay much attention to him tonight. Tell him I'm looking forward to the next family reunion and not to be a stranger. He has an open invitation to
[Adopting a Mae West voice]
"Come up and see me, sometime".
[mutters to herself]
But this time I wear the lingerie!

[Mechane returns heavenward, Paris starts to pace]

PARIS:
[Paris opens his arms in a shrug to address the Chorus]
So, I wonder how long I'll have to wait here before I see...

[A shriek originating in the heavens cuts him off. They all look up. Helen, a towel wrapped around her body and another over her hair, plunges from the heavens and lands in Paris' already outstretched arms]

CHORUS:
Not long I guess.

[Helen springs from Paris' arms, trying to cover as much of herself as possible]
HELEN:
Where are my maid servants; what have you done with Menelaus; where am I and just who might you be?!

PARIS:
[As Helen tries to skitter behind cover she is blocked by the Chorus. Paris approaches with measured steps.]
You, my dulcet angel from above, are my prize from a beauty contest.

HELEN:
[Paris stops directly behind her as she is trying to get to cover]
Well, congratulations on being so cute. I, however, have always found that beauty is it's own curse...
[She realizes what he has said and starts to turn indignantly.]
Your WHAT !!!
[She turns directly into Paris' chest. He grabs her waist]
Let go of me you ruffian!
[She slaps his face, drawing blood.]
I demand to return to Sparta immediately!
[The Chorus captures her and in the struggle the towel falls from her hair.]

PARIS:
[Addressing the Heavens]
Foul play, Aphrodite, I don't intend to have to fight her for every inch! Unless you are willing to pass that apple over to Athena or Hera, I suggest you find a way to subdue this shrew!

HELEN:
Shrew?!
[She looks up also]
Aphrodite!
This tears all! What have you done, miserable Goddess; have I not sacrificed enough in the name of love?!

[A beam of light from the heavens fixes Helen where she stands. The chorus steps back. Aphrodite's voice sounds from the heavens.]

APHRODITE:
I can't believe that you pulled me away from toasting my victory at the reception [hic!] (Whew, this is a good wine, big D!) just because you don't know how to woo a woman, Paris!
[Sounds of her draining her glass]
Pour me another, Ganymede! If she hadn't insulted me, you'd be completely on your own. Very well, my [hic!] darling little wench, let's make that stony attitude a little more pliable.
[A dusting of glitter descends over Helen]
I think you'll find her more your [hic!] speed now, little Shepherd.
Ashk no more of me...
[She starts to mutter]
I'm gonna be busy...Athena'sh jist challenged me to a chess-sh game for control of all the little Greek soldier boys. Heh, there's only one sword that a soldier thinks with. [giggle, her voice starts to slur away] Gonna kick her derriere...

[Paris looks at Helen. She is looking back with interest. She shakes her long hair out scattering glitter.]

PARIS:
Uh... Helen, would you like to go...
[She rushes across the stage and throws herself around him]

HELEN:
I'll go where ever you take me, baby!

[Paris lets out a whoop of joy and throws her over his shoulder. Helen giggles in response]

PARIS:
In that case, [addresses the Chorus] come with me, me mateys! Let's go book passage to Daddy's court (who needs Hera?). I'm sick of being Paris the Shepherd. I'm off to become Alexandros the Prince!
[He kisses Helen's toweled hip, which is over his left shoulder]
Come along, my darling, I'm on top of the world, now!

[He turns upstage and walks toward the parados. Helen is flirting with the satyrs over his shoulder. The Chorus follows with interest]




Next: EXODOS: the fat lady finally sings! ( - Xenophanes Orestes )
Previous: ODE THREE: "There ain't nothin' like a dame!" ( satyr but wiser - Xenophanes Orestes )