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Board: TheaterDionysos
Topic: THE JUDGMENT OF PARIS: an original satyr-play

Topic Editor: Xenophanes Orestes
Topic Description: ...

Message: PARODOS: What do you do with a drunken satyr?
Author: Janus Caecilius and - Xenophanes Orestes
Date: Apr 30, 1998 14:35

[enter chorus of drunken satyrs]

CHORUS:
Isn't it rich?
Aren't we the rage?
Goat-boys with phalluses high
Right here on the stage!
Send in the clowns!

Women say no,
But really mean yes!
Lovers (and presidents) say
"Just don't tell the press!"
And they call us clowns?

Just when I thought,
"No one's around,
I'll simply sneak in her bedroom
And not make a sound."
Eagerly raising the covers
But to my dismay,
Someone's already ahead of me,
Having his way.

Don't you love farce?
My fault, I fear.
Next time I'll call on her sister,
She's easy, I hear.
Now where are the clowns?
Applause for the clowns!
We're finally here!


Well, here we are, Dionysos' little deviants, all dressed up and ready for some action -- if you know what I mean [wink]! Hey, do I smell perfume in the air? "Essence of Eternity," I'd recognize that fragrance anywhere. OK, ladies, where are you hiding? Come on out, we've got something for you, and I know you want it!

Hades! The place is empty. I thought this play was about three naked goddesses who show off to some guy named Paris. Well, where is everybody?? I swear, this is the last time I trust that Edith Hamilton book; she's always making things up!

No, wait-a-minute, here comes somebody. Maybe he's got a sister.

[enter Paris]

PARIS:
10,995 ... 10,996 ...10,997 ... 10,998 -- Will you stop moving around! 10,....er...uhm,
Where was I? Oh, I hate these miserable sheep! They're so ... sheepish!

How long have I been roaming these open pastures?
It seems like forever, since the beginning of time, when men were young and playful and life was a mere happy collection of sweet nothings...

I can imagine what our superior creator was like in his younger days, when he set out to build his reputation as the Greatest Lover on Earth and in Heaven!

That must be the life! Having opportunity all the time to woo the women and occasionally have several of them at the same time to fulfill one's needs, such stories as I hear whispered in the woods by elves and fauns, by the eager and the young and the elderly and experienced.

Oh, the mere thought of it, a vision of beauty coming from between the shoulders and the sides of the ever wondrous female features, but then my hesitation to place my bashful hands on her behind, my reluctant resurrection towards the center of comfort and joy, my fear of failing and falling short of her desires--can anyone here, Oh dear spectators, can any of you tell me how to keep my cool in the heat of the moment?

Please, Gods, guide me through this quagmire of sensuality and grant me stamina and strength so I can prove I am a man, that I can answer the call of nature and understand the nature of the Call! If I am to remain in these tedious halls of boredom and nothingness, then I beg you, take from me this gift of fantasy and replace it with simplicity, empty my head and heart of passion and let my only pleasure be to count my flock and reach the end of the day. For as I have done this all my pitiful life so far, I will continue doing so until I die.

CHORUS:
Hey, that speech was mighty depressing. I thought this was supposed to be a comedy!

PARIS:
How about introducing yourself properly? My name is Paris, and I hate my life. How's that for a laugh?

CHORUS:
Well, it's not as good as the one about the hetaira and the Hittite, but whatever tickles your funny-bone. You don't get out much, do you? We're the satyr chorus, just looking for a good time.

PARIS:
Well, then you'd better look for greener pastures, for I'm in no mood for company--unless you brought any ladies with you.

CHORUS:
Sorry, fresh out of females. It must be the new cologne I'm wearing.

PARIS:
It looks like it's going to be one of those nights again. Count the flock, return home, have Mom and Dad all over me, and on top of that, dinner's cold. Sometimes I wish some really fine women would come up to me, two, maybe three, and ask me for a night on the town. I'd spend my life's savings on it, I swear.

CHORUS:
Well don't look now, but here comes a classy dame who looks like she could roll you for everything you're worth.

[enter Athena]




Next: SCENE TWO: Let the contest begin! ( Thespis Ariston, Janus Caecilius, and - Xenophanes Orestes )
Previous: SCENE ONE: Some like it hot! ( Thespis Ariston, Tereus Lysias, and - Xenophanes Orestes )