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Board: TheaterDionysos
Topic:THE JUDGMENT OF PARIS: an original satyr-play

Topic Editor: Xenophanes Orestes
Topic Description: ...

Message: SCENE ONE: Some like it hot!
Author: Thespis Ariston, Tereus Lysias, and - Xenophanes Orestes
Date: Apr 30, 1998 14:19

[Athena and Hera enter with the Golden Apple]

ATHENA:
Really, Hera, it must have been meant for me. After all, how can the oldest babe in the Heavens be the Hottest? I think you should just stay at home and look after the Hearth.

HERA:
You nithling little wench! If it wasn't for Zeus, I'd have gotten rid of you long ago. So you think you're the hottest babe in the heavens do you? Then how come I only see mortals worshipping you for your mind?

ATHENA:
I don't see them worshipping you for your mind or body. Perhaps, "mother," housewives may worship you for a solid home life, though I can't IMAGINE why they'd think of you for that. Maybe it's because they know they can turn to you for the most shrewish revenge on their men if they stray.

HERA:
You talk as though you speak from experience my dear child. How can one understand why a man strays IF SHE'S NEVER HAD ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE!?!?! Do you really think the hottest babe in the heavens could possibly be a virgin? Quite frankly, child, how then could anyone tell how hot she is?

ATHENA:
I concede a possible point of argument there; however, the counter-argument for my position is that "hot" need not signify "sleezy," and that one could be considered extremely hot for her mind AND beauty. Now, what, pray tell, is your counter-argument for the fact that the hottest babe in the heavens should at least be able to keep her man in her OWN bed!? Face it, you're old, undesirable, and the only reason anyone knows you is because you're married to Zeus. He must not have had much to choose from WAY back then.
The apple belongs to a younger, smarter, and far more desirable goddess, and that's me, so HANDS OFF, SISTER!

HERA:
Wait just a minute, you brazen hussy! You may be goddess of wisdom but when it comes to judging beauty contests, you're short on credentials. Have you looked in the mirror lately? You've got more wrinkles than Argos has eyes. In any case, I did catch the most eligible bachelor on Olympus, whom everyone said wouldn't amount to anything, and now he's king of the universe. And you know what they say: behind every great man is a gorgeous, desirable woman. What I don't understand is, when he has me, why does that philandering fool run after every loose skirt he sees? Riding around with Europa on his back, pouring golden showers into Danae's lap--it really burns me up.

But he'd think differently if I had the title of "hottest." That would surely keep him home nights. So take your greedy little hands off that apple; it's mine!

[They are about to start slapping and scratching when Aphrodite enters, who grabs the apple from the two other goddesses]

APHRODITE:
[reading the apple] "To the Hottest Babe in the Heavens"? Well that would be me. Who else could it mean? The only one that could even think of owning such a prize is I. I am the goddess of love after all. [Looks at the other two] Were you two arguing over it? So, you think one of you should have it? Anyone could tell you, and I'm sure after careful consideration, babes, you will come to the same conclusion, that I am the sexist in all the Heavens. Without me...well, the world would be...uninteresting. What would those mortals do? There wouldn't be any more Physical Relations, and no more Mortal children. What would ol' Zeus do without those maidens he so likes to..um.. court. Oh yeah, Hera, I don't think even the title "hottest babe" could keep that hubby of yours out of the bed of every female. And you Athena, I'm sure with your high intellect you can certainly see, I am the one this apple was meant for.

HERA:
Why you Cheap, two-bit, SLEEZE!!!! How dare you speak that way to me!?!?!? And as for your claim to the apple, well, maybe if it was for the "EASIEST babe in all the heavens", I would agree. "Hottest Babe" denotes desirability.... how can anyone DESIRE you when EVERYONE'S already HAD you?!?!?!?!?!

[Aphrodite is about to scratch and kick Hera when Athena speaks]

ATHENA:
Now, now, Hera, she has just as much right to claim this as we, and as for you, Aphrodite, don't think your title as the Goddess of Love gives you automatic right to the spoils here. Especially when your idea of love generally includes a bed and no more than one night. I think it only fair that, since we obviously cannot settle this ourselves, we appoint an adjudicator to award the prize to one of us.

HERA:
Zeus will do nicely.

APHRODITE:
Aren't you afraid he'll give it to Danae instead of you?

HERA:
[Reaches out for her to throttle her] Why you LITTLE!!!!!!

ATHENA:
STOP! I have it! The adjudicator will be a mortal, not a god. And one who is not a follower of any of us, so there is no bias involved. Agreed?

HERA:
Agreed.

APHRODITE:
Agreed.

ATHENA:
And I know just who to get.

END SCENE ONE




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