My name is Eris (that's "Strife" for all you ignorant barbarians).
Around these parts, I'm known as the little troublemaker,
Among other more colorful appellations.
Actually, it's not difficult getting these Olympians mad at each other,
With their god-sized libidos that burn hotter than the fires of Hephaestus.
But I get blamed for everything:
Take that bloody incident with Ouranos -- ouch!
That was all Kronos's idea, I swear; I wasn't even born yet!
Ever since ol' Granddad lost his well, I'm sure you heard about it,
Hesiod gossips so --
That's all the males around here can think with, apparently.
The latest scandal involves that Celestial Seducer Zeus
And his tempestuous brother Poseidon,
Both of whom wanted to swim in Thetis' grotto.
But before either one could score,
The little sea-trollop let slip that her son was destined to surpass his father.
(Clever girl; I guess the old "I've got a headache" routine wasn't working.)
Well, that news took the wind out of Poseidon's typhoon,
And Zeus zipped up and zapped out as fast as lightning,
Leaving Thetis to be caught by the mortal Peleus.
At least, that's the version my companion Ares told me.
Speaking of men, now there's a piece of work--
That warmongering brute with biceps for brains,
But does he ever look "divine" in a Speedo,
Tossing those spears and cruise missiles around,
Those rippling haunches, buns like ripe golden apples ready to bite . . .
Sorry (is it hot in here?) -- where was I? Oh yes. Apples.
I'm really pissed off at the happy couple.
They're getting ready to split the sheets,
Every deity from Aphrodite to Zeus is having a blast at the party,
But did I get an invitation?
And don't give me that it-must-have-got-lost-in-the-mail crap!
Well, just to show there are no hard feelings,
I've brought them a little wedding present, anyway.
Oh, it's nothing much, really.
Just something I picked up at Ploys R Us.
A golden apple, with a special inscription:
"To the Hottest Babe in the Heavens."
I can't wait to see that host of hussies fight over claim to that title.
(I haven't had this much fun since I proposed that $5 fee to the Cybergods.)